Why I am not afraid to die.

My father recently had a heart attack. I've known for a long timethat this might happen, because every man in my family has had aheart attack in his mid fifties. But because of my father's healthylifestyle I thought he might dodge that bullet. Apparently, that isnot the case. And, being the oldest of his sons, I am the next inline to experience the family tradition of heart disease. So, hisexperience has brought my own inevitable mortality to the forefrontof my mind.I am not afraid to die. I am afraid of being mamed or disabled sothat I live the rest of my life in pain. I am afraid of others closeto me dying because I know that will bring me heartache, but eventhat I know will pass because I have experienced that in my life. Iam afraid of poverty and I am afraid of a life without meaning, but Iam not afraid of death. I am not old but I have lived long enough toknow that death is a part of life. I have lost a child and I havelost grandparents to death and each took a little bit of me when theywent, but I survived and I became happy again, and life goes on.My grandfather told me of the time he had a heart attack and wastechnically dead for a few seconds. He said it was the most peacefulfeeling he had ever experienced. He didn't speak of a light or hislife flashing before him, only of undescribable peace. Then suddenlyhe was awakened by someone beating on his chest and another personramming a needle into him. He was back in the world of the living.I don't believe he was sorry to be back, but he didn't seem worriedabout going back to the other place either.Some might find this strange, but the reason I am not afraid to dieis because of my firm belief that there is no god. I know religiouspeople find that idea unbelievable, and I know this because I wasraised in a very religious home. God and Satan were very real in mychildhood home. And, though my parents claimed to believe in acompassionate god, everything I learned about God made me afraid. Iwas afraid of God because he could see the dirty little thoughts inmy head, and I was afraid of Satan and his demons because they wereevil and looking for the chance to possess me. So, knowing now thatthere is no god and that death is merely an indescribable peace, I amnot afraid to die.I did not arrive at this conclusion without effort. It took severalyears of living, studying, and contemplating. It started when Idiscovered that my first wife was not at all who I thought she was.I discovered she had been lying and cheating for years, and Isuddenly realized that the last eight years of my life had been alie. This did not fit into the narrow worldview I had aquired. Inthat world my wife would be faithful and kind because I was afaithful and supportive husband. And, if this could happen to methan the world was not what I believed it to be, and I needed to findout what it really was.I divorced her and began a quest. I needed to learn the facts aboutthe world and the people in it. I began taking classes at thecommunity college with the idea of not necessarily finding myself,

but rather finding the world and, subsequently, my place in it. Iinadvertently spent the next five years in college and, to my ownsurprise, graduated from college at age 33. While there, I studiedthe earth, the sky, the universe, and the people. I studied treesand flowers, rocks and stars, and culture. After I graduated I readCarl Sagan, Albert Einstein, and Charles Darwin. I read about themind and the universe. I read about evolutionary psychology. Istudied violence, religion, hate and love. I watched life, and Icompared all these things for all these years with what I knew aboutGod. And He was the one thing that did not fit. He did not makesense. Everything else was logical, for everything else there wasproof. Evolution and biology could be proven by science. People'sbehavior fit. Sex fit. Love and hate fit. But God did not fit. Theworld made sense without him and became nonsense with him.Why would a compassionate god create a being with inherent flaws?Why would he make him have urges and desires and then forbid him fromsatisfying them? Why do bad things happen to good people? But evenmore puzzling, why do good things happen to bad people? The Bible iswrong, science and life prove it. Good things do not come to thosewho wait. The meek do not inherit the earth because the bulliesknock them down and take it from them. The evil claim the power.The selfish hold the wealth. A good, all powerful god would notcreate a world like this one. There is no doubt in my mind, there isno god.It took a long while before I had the courage to say that outloud.The first time I did I was sure I would be struck by lightning. ButI have said it many times now and I am no worse for it.I am grateful for my religious upbringing. It was part of theeducation that brought me to this point. I do not fault my parentsfor causing me to fear God. Without a clear understanding of God Icould not have proven his nonexistance to myself. And, because ofthat proof I do not fear death. I do not need to worry about whetheror not I have been forgiven for my sins. I do not need to worryabout whether or not people who have gone before me place any blameon me for anything that happened to them in life. I do not need totry to figure out why a good, all powerful god allows bad things tohappen in the world. And, I do not need to wonder what will happento me after I die. I hope to live a long and happy life but when itis over I know I will experience an indescribable peace, and theolder I get the more precious peace becomes.Lance Nalley, November 21, 2002, Chico, CA.

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